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Pippins & Peaches 




A cknowledgment 

1 he author thanks The Chicago 
Record Herald for permission to 
reprint in this book some of the 
epigrams which originally appeared 
in that paper. 



PIPPINS & 
PEACHES 




5^7^ 'Pippins by \£»^j^\y \^ 

MADAME QUI VIVE 





'Peaches by 

PENRHYN STANLAWS 




CHICAGO 

THE REILLY & BRITTON CO. 
I 9 9 



.3*3 



LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two CouiesxKecelved 

MAR 19 1009 

CLASS X XXc, No 

Z3*tl>7f 

COPY B. 




Copyright 1909 by 

The %eilly & gritton Co. 

Chicago 

Jill rights reserved 



Printed at 

3Tf>e <Eaj5lon ©res* 

Chicago 



to 




Affectionately dedicated to 
my sweet daughter, Helena, 
known to the select many as 
the "Little Spalpeen." 




PIPPINS 

and 

PEACHES 




No matter how bright 
the day is, you can 
always find a cloud 
somewhere. 




Hi] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Every man should have 
a home of his own 
where he can at least 
quarrel in peace. 




Because a man is afraid 
of his wife is no sign 
she's a fright. 




[12] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Whenever you hear a 
man boast that he 
controls destinies, you 
can be pretty sure that 
he is about as impor- 
tant as the little dog 
who barks the trains 
out of town. 




[13] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Love laughs at knock- 
smiths. 




Woman's intuition is so 
keen that she can 
guess everything 
except the truth and 
discover everything 
except facts. 




[14] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Husband: A funny 
creature who lives a 
sad life. 




What do we care if 
beauty is only skin 
deep? We don't want 
to swim in it. 




[15] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Bills come quickly, but 
money always lingers. 




Man is perfectly logical, 
reasonable and consist- 
ent. Therefore it is 
the duty of every 
woman to treat him 
with gentleness and 
forbearance. 




[16] 



Pippins and Peaches 




You cannot paint the lily 
and the rose. But 
Lily and Rosie can. 




When a woman says: 
"There is something 
you ought to hear" you 
may be very sure that 
it is something that she 
ought not to tell. 




Pippins and Peaches 




We have observed that 
it is the woman who 
hasn't a figure who 
likes best to display it. 




Marriage is a simple con- 
tracT: that sometimes 
results in a compound 
fracture. 




[18] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Even though her hair 
be false a woman is 
naturally attached to it. 




Considering the sorrows 
of the millionaire, one 
must believe that 
fortune smiles on him 
only to give him the 
laugh. 




Pippins and Peaches 




With romantic young 
ladies the villain is 
always the hero. 




Mustn't blame a woman 
for being two-faced; 
she has the one that 
nature gave her and 
the one that the 
beauty doctor sold her. 




[20] 



Pippins and Peaches 




That old adage about 
beauty being skin 
deep is pretty thin. 




It is only her first love 
affair that a woman 
cherishes. Man is so 
lacking in originality 
that all the others are 
merely duplicates. 





"You ought to know her," 
said Miss Smarty. "She 
has been abroad and she 
speaks English." 



Pippins and Peaches 




What we want to know 
is this: If an English- 
man hits his funny 
bone how long will it 
take him to laugh ? 




You can drive a man to 
a tea fight, but you 
can't make him drink. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Some people never feel 
right unless there's 
something the matter 
with them. 




Good manners are not 
found in books of 
etiquette ; they are 
written on the heart. 




[25] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Love is a lump in your 
throat; and the sight 
of somebody makes 
it feel better. 




What's the use of cul- 
tivating soul beauty 
when a blonde lady 
in a soubrette hat can 
casl you in the shade? 




[26] 



Pippins and Peaches 




The nearer you get to 
other folks' troubles, 
the smaller your own 
appear. 




Why shouldn't a woman 
take money from her 
husband's pocket ? 
She is merely working 
a bad example. 




[27] 



Pippins and Peaches 




We have noticed that 
most people never 
talk poverty until they 
get money. 




We all love that for 
which we work hard- 
est and prize it most 
when we don't get it. 




[28] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Life isn't perfedt unless 
one has a few priva- 
tions to enjoy. 




It's not unusual to find 
individuals with so 
much wisdom in their 
heads that there's no 
space left for common 
sense. 




[29] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Before marriage love- 
making is a recrea- 
tion. After marriage 
it is an occupation. 
Oh, tears ! Oh, 
grouches and despair! 




Ignorance is stupidity 
reduced to a science. 




[30] 



Pippins and Peaches 




There is this difference 
between gravity and 
wisdom : You laugh 
at the first and you 
laugh with the other. 




Beauty in curl papers 
isn't even skin deep; 
it is invisible. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Considering the tone of 
the modern novel one 
dare not say that one's 
life is an open book. 




Love is a butterfly whose 
golden wings bring 
summer into cheerless 
days. 




[32] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Beautifying is a harm- 
less habit. The dear 
girls are only preserv- 
ing peaches. 




We have observed that 
lazy folk who never 
go to bed are seldom 
willing to get up. 




[33] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Anyhow Xantippe 
never had a chance 
to give her side of 
the story. 




n I am so tired I could 
sleep standing up," 
said the Lady Genius, 
" only I am too tired 
to stand up." 




Pippins and Peaches 




Woman's jealousy flat- 
ters a man for a min- 
ute and bores him 
for an age. 




The most tiresome man 
in the world is the 
one who has read 
everything and re- 
membered it all. 




135] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Love is a sentiment; to 
preserve it is an art. 




It's a pretty mean man 
who will confess to 
his faults just for the 
purpose of depriving 
his wife of a pleasant 
argument. 




136] 



Pippins and Peaches 




There is no disgrace in 
work, except when it 
is not well done. 




A woman doesn't have 
to be thin to go 
through her hus- 
band's pockets. She 
doesn't even have to 
be small. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Beauty is about the 
only commodity that 
is lessened in value 
by advertising. 




Listen to the chatter 
of girls and you will 
decide that while 
talk is cheap, adjec- 
tives are given away. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Vivacity is given to 
woman so that she 
can more uncomfort- 
ably endure the 
gravity of men. Even 
a feast of reason 
should not be with- 
out sweets. 




[39] 




Nowadays a woman 
without artificial loveli- 
ness doesn't look natural. 



Pippi ns and Peaches 




Since you never can 
get even, it's best to 
call it square. 




Some people have such 
high expectations 
that even their dis- 
appointments never 
come up to them. 




[42] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Unhappiness is in not 
knowing what we 
want and killing our- 
selves to get it. 




Rest would be delight- 
ful were it not for 
the fact that it 
makes one so tired. 




[43] 



Pippins and Peaches 




There is this difference 
between the girl and 
the woman: the first 
knows nothing and 
tells everything, while 
the other knows 
everything and tells 
nothing. 




[44] 



Pippins and Peaches 




One does not have to 
be a business woman 
to make eyes. 




Father may be the 
ruler of the family, 
but mother is the 
teacher. 




[45] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Fortune shows us the 
way, but she doesn't 
furnish transportation. 




To the woman who dis- 
mantles a fashionable 
coiffure every night 
the fall of the Roman 
empire doesn't seem 
so much. 




146] 



Pippins and Peaches 




A gossip is a talented 
lady who discovers 
facts that aren't so. 




Aimlessness is not con- 
tent to go nowhere; 
it must waste its 
time coming back. 




[47] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Marry in haste and re- 
pent at Sioux Falls. 




Better a little love ex- 
pressed with gentle 
words and kindly 
acts than a great 
love that sulks in self- 
ishness and silence. 




[48] 



Pippins and Peaches 




The only political views 
most women have 
are photographs of 
candidates. 




No, Genevieve, the girl 
with the seven teen- 
inch waist does not 
necessarily feel small. 




[49] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Concealing beauty is 
the cleverest way of 
revealing it. 




Woman's crowning 
glory is her hair. 
With so many falsi- 
fied locks in vogue, 
there are many pre- 
tenders to the crown. 




[50] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Chatter is noisy silence. 




No woman ever con- 
siders her own re- 
marks really clever 
until they reach such 
a degree of brilliancy 
that she herself does 
not understand them. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Laziness is merely a still- 
life demonstration that 
the easiest way to 
work is to loaf. 




None is in such need of 
advice as the sweet, 
dear, kind, simple soul 
who gives it unasked. 




[52] 



Pippins and Peaches 




There isn't much to 
some people except 
their weight. 




Hens should not crow, 
not because they are 
hens, but because 
crowing is a silly, 
masculine habit. 




[53] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Your close friend is not 
necessarily a stingy one. 




She is a very dear 
friend of mine," said a 
woman, "she is so dear 
that she borrowed 
$20 of me." 




[54] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Women talk of their 
blessings, but they 
brag of their griefs. 




Man is interesting when 
he gives his views of 
womankind, but to be 
truly eloquent, he musT: 
talk of himself. 




[55] 




Poor husband ! His 
faults are pegs on which 
wine hangs her raps. 



Pippins and Peaches 




No well-trained husband 
will ever be railroaded 
to oblivion or side- 
tracked into a divorce 
court. 




Literary Note: Mr. Hen- 
peck is going to write 
a book called, "How 
I Feel after Five 
Years of Moulting." 




[56] 



Pippi ns and Peaches 




The most beautiful of 
all arts is the art of 
being beautiful. 




It isn't necessary for 
women to be eloquent. 
With a gesture or a 
glance she can tell 
the life story of her 
dearest friend. 




[59] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Why worry about 
freckles? Even the 
sun has spots on it. 




To the quarrelsome 
woman the bone of 
contention is more 
delicious than pate- 
de-foie-gras and a 
stuffed olive. 




[60] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Speeches that relieve 
one mind usually bur- 
den another. 




Humanity is made up of 
shirkers and workers. 
But how pleasant it 
is to realize that the 
shirkers are fat and 
the workers are lean ! 




Pippins and Peaches 




Song of house-cleaning 
time: "What are the 
wild wives saying ?" 




It is the hallucination of 
the fretter that the 
world begins at her 
head and ends at 
her heels. 




Pippins and Peaches 




We wonder why girls 
are so fussy about 
their shoes ; they're 
such small matters. 




We do not object to 
selfishness. What 
disturbs us is its low- 
down method of 
operation. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Watch for good luck 
and you will miss it ; 
fortune is the reward 
of industry. 




It's easy for a woman 
to forgive a man, but 
it is not easy for her 
to forget to tell him 
that she forgave him. 




Pippins and Peaches 




I t's the hair dye you use 
today that makes you 
bald tomorrow. Aw- 
ful thought! 




It's strange that women 
ever argue when 
silence and a look do 
the business so much 
better. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Never ask a woman her 
age. You will only 
encourage her to 
tell lies. 




The difference between 
you and other people 
is that their money 
looks bigger and 
their troubles smaller. 




[66] 



Pippins and Peaches 




A becoming hat gives 
a woman a tremen- 
dous interest in 
outdoor life. 




Conceit is the result of 
small aims and sim- 
plicity the outgrowth 
of great ones. 




[67] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Why fish for deep 
thoughts in shallow 
brains? Whales don't 
swim in puddles. 




Ugliness is as often 
caused by the misuse 
of good qualities as 
by the lack of them. 




[68] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Lazy people have no 
right to complain, 
and busy ones haven't 
the time. 




"Don't be stingy," says 
the Beauty Doctor. 
"Give your face a 
thought." 




[69] 



Pippins and Peaches 




When a girl has pretty 
feet her short gown is 
her long suit. 




There is happiness in 
life as there is gold 
in the earth. Because 
you have not found 
it is no proof that it 
isn't there. 




[70] 



Pippins and Peaches 




It is well perhaps to love 
wisely; but it is more 
fun to love foolishly. 




If you hear that a woman 
is a genius, the news 
does not surprise you. 
But if somebody says 
she can cook, you 
fall dead. 




PEACH IV 



You can't tell by the 
society buds just what 
the peach crop will be. 




s*h 



tB^s^u 




<y 



Pippins and Peaches 




Patience is a beautiful 
virtue and anyone who 
has not an automobile 
may possess it. 




There are women who 
gad so much they 
never feel at home 
except when they 
are calling. 




[74] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Woman's smile is like a 
maxim; it often has a 
dozen meanings. 




No cannons roar or 
trumpet's blast can 
reach as far as the 
soft, still little whisper 
of the gossip's tongue. 




Pippins and Peaches 




There's only one ghost. 
He appears on the 
first of the month 
and his name is Bill. 




Optimism is the habit 
of telling yourself 
jolly falsehoods that 
may eventually come 
true. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Motto of some business 
men: "If at first you 
don't succeed, fail, 
again. 



fail — ~ ' 




Let us ask not that 
others practice what 
they preach. Let us 
ask instead that they 
merely stop preaching. 




Pippins and Peaches 




When a man learns 
to poetize on the 
emotions of his heart 
instead of prosing on 
the needs of his 
digestion the unloved 
husband will be a 
novelty. 




[78] 



Pippins and Peaches 




When a woman marries, 
her one thought is 
to make her husband 
happy. When a man 
marries, it is to make 
himself happy. After 
a time —but this isn't 
an essay. 




[79] 



Pippins and Peaches 




The neighbor who gazes 
into your window 
usually looks well. 




There are two types of 
women made from 
the same mold: The 
coquette and the lady 
who puts kerosene 
on the kindlings. 




[80] 



Pippins and Peaches 




The girl who draws in 
her lines is not always 
an artist. 




When a man hears his 
wife say something 
extremely clever he 
is quite certain that 
he must have said 
it first. 




Pippins and Peaches 




If some people did 
not know quite so 
much, they would 
know more. 




Woman has two weap- 
ons, argument and in- 
difference ; the first 
always loses and the 
other always wins. 




Pippins and Peaches 




How disappointed a 
blush must be when 
it finds that a stick of 
rouge got there first. 




If you can't get money 
from the rich, you 
can always sell things 
to the poor who 
have plenty. 




Pippins and Peaches 




No woman wears any 
false hair to speak of. 




You would think that 
man would be the 
last creature on earth 
in which woman 
would be interested. 
So he is— first, last 
and for all time. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Penny wise and pound 
foolish: the fat lady 
who buys bonbons. 




You can tell when a 
woman is thoroughly, 
perfectly happy: she 
always looks so 
thoroughly, perfectly 
miserable. 





Don't worry about your 
new photograph, dearie; 
the man can retouch it so 
it won't look natural. 



Pippins and Peaches 




Big scandals from little 
gossips grow. 




Whenever you see some- 
thing inexpressibly 
ugly on the counter 
of a shop, you can 
make a safe wager 
that some man will 
come along and buy it. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Some women of thirty 
don't have to appear 
old to look like sixty. 




No matter how many 
mean things you do, 
you will always find 
somebody ready to 
complain about them. 




[89] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Flattery is like soda fizz, 
sweet to swallow, 
but very bad for 
the system. 




Let us rejoice that most 
of us would rather read 
the dream book than 
the dictionary. 




[90] 



Pippins and Peaches 




No woman is so silly 
that she doesn't like 
to be foolish. 




Two classes of individ- 
uals people the earth: 
those who make the 
best of everything 
and those who take it. 




[91] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Genius needs to be ad- 
vertised to be recog- 
nized, but beauty is 
its own press agent. 




If Fortune ever smiles 
upon a grouchy, 
grumbling husband, it 
is because she thinks 
he is funny. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Flatterers are our 
enemies and it is only 
right and proper that 
we should love them. 




The only way that a 
woman can make her 
family understand 
that she is tired is to 
lie down and die. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Have kindness for your 
friend's faults; she can 
always find considera- 
tion for her virtues. 




There are three things 
a woman can make 
out of nothing — a 
hat, a salad and an 
argument. 




Pippins and Peaches 




Fashions and flirtations 
grow ridiculous with 
age. 




Charity begins at home. 
Don't send flannels to 
the heathen. Give 
liver pills to the grouch 
next door. 




[95] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Life is a crust of bread 
that love transforms 
into a banquet. 




Do not value things 
by their usefulness. 
The flowers and the 
dew-drops may not 
be necessary, but 
God thought them 
worth while. 




[96] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Half a loaf is better 
than no rest at all. 




It's a dreadful thing to 
be in love," declares 
Mr. Despairing Swain, 
"I have a heartache 
that would fill three 
hospitals and then 
some." 




PEACH VI 







No wonder the world 
looks gay to lovers; it 
is laughing at them. 



Pippins and Peaches 




Too much strong talk 
weakens the best of 
arguments. 




"Courtship," says Mrs. 
Matrimonial Failure, 
"is a barque that sails 
from the court of 
Cupid and lands at 
the court of divorce." 




1100] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Big sisters with tattling 
brothers say that 
little pitchers have 
big mouths. 




How absurd to say that 
love is blind when his 
enchanted eyes see 
beauty and charms 
that never existed. 




[101] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Egotism is vanity that 
has read a book. 




In life's calendar there 
are four seasons—the 
inspiration of a spring, 
the joys of a summer, 
the regret of an 
autumn and the toil 
of a winter. 




[102] 



Pippins and Peaches 




A woman with a bull 
pup says that her 
family motto is: "My 
dog can fite your dog." 




Why distress one's mind 
with trifles when 
there are so many 
important griefs to 
enjoy ? 




[103] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Some people don't know 
much and even that 
they can't keep to 
themselves. 




"It wouldn't be so bad 
to have to go to bed," 
said a little child, "if 
it just didn't get late 
so early." 




[104] 



Pippins and Peaches 




She who fights and runs 
away will live to shop 
another day. 




Everything depends 
upon the point of 
view, but we have 
noticed that some 
people' s point of view 
is not very sharp. 




[105] 



Pippins and Peaches 




When it comes to draw- 
ing on a bank account 
every woman is an 
artist. 




Certain popular books 
lead us to the belief 
that the unspeakable 
is not necessarily the 
unreadable. 




[106] 



Pippins and Peaches 




They say that Adam 
couldn't bear rib 
roasts. 




No, Agnes, a well de- 
veloped mind is not 
always the cause 
of an enlarged pom- 
padour. 




[107] 



Pippins and Peaches 




For every beautiful 
illusion that is lost, a 
beautiful reality may 
be found. 




To practice economy it 
is only necessary to 
spend a little bit 
more than your income. 




[108] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Love is blind; he burnt 
out his eyes making 
matches. 




Considering the dreadful 
things that children 
eat, is it not surpris- 
ing that any of them 
live to be human 
beings ? 




[109] 



PEACH VII 




Not every woman who 
wears a picture hat is in 
a lovely frame of mind. 



Pippins and Peaches 




Mrs. Bargain Hunter is 
strong on prices and 
weak on values. 




"I am perfectly independ- 
ent," said the Little 
Spalpeen to her 
mother. "I have plenty 
of money of your own." 




[112] 



Pippins and Peaches 




"I'm no artist," said Mrs. 
Matrimonial Failure, 
" but I drew a cartoon 
all right." 




Do not forget that even 
the good old times 
were not so good until 
they got old. 




[113] 



Pippins and Peaches 




No woman wants to 
wear a halo. It's all 
she can do to manage 
her false hair. 




Some people never 
realize they have 
been married until 
they are divorced. 




[114] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Friends make us miser- 
able, but our enemies 
give us much joy. 




Father Time has the 
largest family on rec- 
ord. By the way, 
where's Mother Time? 




[115] 



Pippins and Peaches 




It's a good thing that 
women don't know 
how smart they are. 
When they do know 
the world will not 
only turn around each 
day, but it will take 
off its hat and bow. 




[116] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Money talks, and every- 
body is willing to 
listen. 




I am always so busy 
doing nothing," re- 
marked the Little 
Spalpeen, "that 1 
never have time to 
do anything else." 




[117] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Trust not the wealth 
of hair. Often it is 
counterfeit. 




When a woman loves a 
man she will never 
treat him as if he 
were a stranger— she 
always treats him 
much worse than that. 




Pippins and Peaches 




I don't like radishes. 
One bit me once. 




Many a business man is 
so full of schemes 
that he can easily 
lose more money than 
he knows what to 
do with. 




[119] 



Pippins and Peaches 




When "she" is out of 
sight, "he" is out of 
mind. 




When the girl next 
door practices rag- 
time, we always 
wonder how the 
piano can stand the 
strain. 




[120] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Mathematicians will tell 
you that figures don't 
lie— but ask the dress- 
maker. 




Before marriage a woman 
is interested in the re- 
flections in the mirror; 
after marriage she is 
engrossed with the re- 
flections in the mind. 




[121] 



' 



Pippins and Peaches 




If you have a difficult 
task to do, don't say 
"Shall I be Able?" 
Cain killed Abel. 




Fashions are so peculiar 
that it's a real treat 
for a woman to 
be unlovely and com- 
fortable. 




[122] 



Pippins and Peaches 




It is a misfortune for 
a woman to want 
a confidant, and a 
calamity if she finds 
one. 




Woman's most wonder- 
ful art is that of per- 
suading herself that 
she always tells the 
absolute truth. 




1123] 



Pippins and Peaches 




A department store is a 
place where prices are 
butchered to make a 
woman's holiday. 




A woman always reads 
the last chapter of a 
man's life first, and 
most of them never 
get to the beginning. 




[124] 



Pippins and Peaches 




"Father, may I have a new 
gown for Easter?" "You 
may, but I doubt it." 




Why should women 
be frightened by 
mice when most of 
them consider rats a 
necessity ? 




1125] 



Pippins and Peaches 




Beware of the maid who 
says she knows French. 
A little knowledge is 
a dangerous thing 
when applied to bills 



of f, 



are. 




[126] 



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